I think I have spent most of my life caring way too much about others than I did caring for myself. Now at 25 I find myself questioning a lot of decisions I had made for people instead of for Jemima. As Christians, we are taught to love our neighbors like we love ourselves; unfortunately for me I overlooked the “like yourself” part. I always wanted to play superwoman with my family and my friends; I would go out of my way to please everyone except me.
Since graduating college, I opened a different email account for jobs and graduate school purposes. A couple of weeks ago I curiously checked my old yahoo account and stumbled upon a list I had created about 4 years ago. It was a list of the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 25. I looked at the list and realized that not one of those things I have actually done. One of the biggest thing on there was going on a trip to Cali, I had created a whole folder for the trip. It really saddened me because I did not accomplish not one single thing on that list; yet I had made time to help my friends celebrate and accomplish some of their wishes.
Here I am at 25 starring at this list and I started getting angry, angry at myself for not putting me first all these years. Don’t get me wrong I don’t regret ever celebrating my friends, but I wish that I had also dedicated time for myself and my plans. I was always saving for someone’s events, saving for this and that; when it came to my birthdays I remember being always broke and not being able to do the things I wanted.
Now I am learning to balance it all out. I am learning to love me first and then love my friends. I am learning to stop caring so much because truthfully people don’t care as much. I lost friends over simple things, like not being able to attend birthdays, disagreeing on certain life choices. It’s so interesting that people will drop you in a heartbeat and forget a lot of the sacrifices you have made for them. 2015 was a year of tests and trials for me in my personal relationships, and it has taught me to really love myself more.
So if you ever feel a little selfish for caring about yourself, its OK don’t feel bad. Choose you first before you choose anyone else.