Talking About it

I think a lot of times when we are dealing with certain personal situations, we tend to keep it to ourselves and not want to talk about it. Although at times it is important to keep certain things to ourselves, I think we have to make exceptions as well. When I started realizing that I was dealing with a Post Traumatic stress disorder, I did not want to talk about it. I didn’t want to tell my friends, my boyfriend or my family; Especially my parents who were already dealing with so much. I felt like I would be adding to their burden, so I kept it to myself for months.

For months I was literally suffering in silence. I would be in my dorm room having a serious panic attack and I wouldn’t call my roommates to tell them anything, I would just simply cry about it until the moment pass. I would be driving and I would have an attack, have to pull over until I feel better and get home and not tell a soul. I remember once one of my friends was having a birthday celebration in the city and weeks prior to the event I was already panicking. So many thoughts were forming in my mind about going to the city that night. Back then although I was in school, I still had really strict parents who questioned my where about. So I would have to lie to them to go, and the thought of me lying and going and the thought of something possibly happening and having to explain to them why I was there drove me nuts. At the time everything was scary for me. I was scared to leave my house, Scared to drive, scared to go to a health center for a simple physical; I was scared of everything. As the date of the event drew closer, I started having nightmares about it. I had dreams that something bad was going to happen, So I made the decision not to go. The worst thing about it was I couldn’t tell anyone why I did not want to go.

In my mind nobody would understand if I told them what I was feeling. I thought people would brush it off and think I am making excuses. I know that people deal with depression, but I was dealing with something beyond depression; I felt like a slave trapped in her own body. I made the decision not to go to the event, and I lost a friend. The crazy thing about it was even after I lost the friend,I still could not find ways to tell anyone about my battle. It wasn’t until I had a really crazy nightmare one night and I woke up in a sweat and I could not breathe and I felt like I was going to die, that I decided it was time to open up to at least one person. I decided to talk to my boyfriend about it, and let me tell you it felt great. My boyfriend is a nurse, so I think him being in the medical field made it easier for me to tell him what I was feeling. It actually made me feel lighter, in the sense that I was no longer carrying this by myself.

Over time I ended up sharing it with my sister and some of my close friends. The funny thing is they all noticed there was a change; they knew something was up prior to me even approaching them. It really helped knowing that they understood what I was going through and helped me deal with it. A lot of times my sister would go places with me knowing I was too scared to drive alone, my friends would also do the same. We have to let our guards down sometimes and allow others to help us with the things we are dealing with.  The best thing you can do is to confide in the people who love and care for you. It’s always great to know that you are not carrying the loads alone. 



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